Chapter 2: The Adventurer Guild Is...

I lie face down in the courtyard of the Adventurer Guild, breathing in dirt. The wind whistles overhead. The cold mountain air chills me to the bone. All around me I here the hushed conversations of adventurers.

How did I get here? Let me explain.

This morning, I woke up at 05:00 and set off towards the capital city’s branch of the Adventurer Guild.

Why did I start out so early? Because, for some reason this particular branch of the Adventurer Guild was built into the side of the tallest mountain in the Empire.

This 27,482ft dormant volcano known as the Peak of Despair, rests at the center of the Empire.

Home to a dizzying array of flora and fauna, this mountain is also home to the Empire’s highest Adventurer Guild.

Sitting at an altitude of 8757ft and surrounded on all sides by spectacular views of the mountain. You’d think the Guild would be a popular tourist attraction.

However, the grueling 15mi hike to required to reach the Guild, tends to scare all of the tourists away.

According to the Adventurer Guild’s promotional pamphlet: This “short” and “easy” fifteen mile hike is guaranteed to “improve your health” and “cleanse your soul”.

It also states that: With over 7500ft of elevation gain and obstacles such as a 1000ft vertical rock face and a 20ft jump over a 500ft drop, the hike will “test your stamina” and “draw our your courage”.

I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised the Guild considers a 15mi hike to be “short” and “easy”. After all, the organization’s motto is: “The best form of exercise is the one that leaves you the closest to death.”

Unfortunately, I didn’t receive any of this information until I found one of the Guild’s promotional pamphlets clutched in the rigid fingers of a skeleton lying on the side of the trail.

Don’t get me wrong. I asked a handful of adventurers about the hike before I started. But, all of the adventurers I talked to said things like: “It’s easy. You’ll be done in a couple of hours.” and “You don’t need any extra equipment. I’ve even done it in my birthday suit.”

I swear. I’ll never believe anything an adventurer tells for the rest of my life.

Me adventurer. Me strong.

Climb 1000ft vertical rock wall with no rope? Easy.

Jump across 500ft chasm with no bridge? No problem.

Run through blizzard with no clothes? Piece of cake.

Oonga. Boonga.

Oonga. Boonga.

Moving on.

While the hike wasn’t “short” or “easy”, there were a few good moments. During my many death– I mean rest stops, I was able to bask in the wondrous beauty of nature all around me.

The subzero wind whistling through the barren branches of the trees. The snowflakes gently burying my frozen body. The vultures circling overhead.

It was all so beautiful.

I even made some new friends and had a few meaningful conversations along the way.

Like the time I ran into a group of adventurers and had to plead for my life, because they mistook me for a wild boar and tried to kill me. Or the time I cursed out a group of monkeys, while they ran away with all of my food.

I lie on the ground for several minutes until my heart rate begins to slow and my breathing calms down. Then I haul myself to my feet, and look around.

The first thing I see are a group of adventurers standing in a semicircle around me and whispering amongst themselves. When they notice me looking in their direction, a few of them point at me and laugh.

Ignoring them I take in the scenery around me.

I’m currently standing in what appears to be a circular courtyard. Scattered around me are strips of earth with tough looking mountain herbs growing out of them.

Looking back in the direction of the trail I came up, my breath catches in my throat.

The pamphlet wasn’t kidding. The view is absolutely spectacular.

The lush greenery of the forest spreads out below me, transitioning to farmland as it approaches the horizon. Irrigation canals cut a checkered patterns into the land, while dirt roads meander across the rolling hills.

But, what truly takes my breath away is the image of the Emperor’s fortress as it glitters in the light of the setting sun. When I look upon it I feel truly blessed.
As if every moment of toil and effort I went through to get here was all for this moment.

Just kidding.

Why is the sun setting, you ask? Because it’s evening.

Duh.

And yeah, it did take me 16 hours to complete.

So what?

As the old saying goes, “slow and steady does not make you a loser”.

The wind picks up, blasting snow against my skin. I shiver and wrap my arms around myself.

The moment I started the hike I regretted not buying myself a jacket, but even if I wanted to buy one I don’t have any money, so it doesn’t matter.

I trudge towards the far end of the courtyard where the Adventurer Guild stands waiting.

The outside of the Guild is made out of massive boulders stacked on top of one another, each one the size of a small car.

The boulders are expertly slotted together, making it appear as though the Guild was carved from the mountain itself.

According to the promotional pamphlet, this branch of the guild contains, offices for upper management, an armory, 24 full size training rooms, a restaurant, a bar, an inn, and a hospital, which makes it the best equipped Guild in the entire Empire.

Adventurers who are registered with the guild enjoy unlimited access to the Guild’s training facilities, as well as a discount at the restaurant, bar, and inn.

As I approach the semicircle of adventurers standing between me and the Guild, I catch bits and pieces of their conversation.

“Hey, hey. Isn’t that the Shoelace Master?”

“Yeah, haha. There goes my 500 gold. I can’t believe he actually made it all the way to the top of the mountain.”

Wait, they were betting on whether I’d make it up the mountain? How weak do these people think I am?

Actually, now that I think about it, those voices sound awfully familiar. Weren’t they the adventurers I talked to before I started the hike?

Oh well, I guess it doesn’t really matter.

Even after I pass through them, their conversation continues to assault my ears.

“Anyone wanna bet on how long he lives?”

“Sure. 1000 gold says he dies in three days.”

“Too generous. I say, two days. Tops.”

“That long? I say he’s dead on his first quest.”

Three days is the longest bet? Seriously?

C’mon. At least give me a week.

I walk through the towering stone doors of the Guild and find myself in a large reception hall. The hall is mostly devoid of adventurers, probably because most of them went outside to bet when on when I’m going to kick the bucket.

The lobby of the Guild contains all of the standard isekai fixings. On the right side of the room, covering entire wall, is a cork board covered in quests. At the far end of the hall, several women, wearing suits stand behind a waist high counter.

These women are, according to the pamphlet, Guild Advisers.

Guild Advisers are the family je– I mean, crown jewels of the Adventurer Guild. They act as the face of the guild, while teaching and preparing the adventurers to overcome any challenges they may encounter during a quest.

However, despite their role, Guild Advisers aren’t delicate flowers who support the adventurers from the rear. The majority of them are adventurers themselves and some of them even possess strength that overshadows the strongest adventurers in the Empire.

One of the Guild Advisers, who appears to be getting hit on by a buff looking adventurer with a crew cut, notices me standing just inside the doors and waves me over.

As I approach the counter a smell, which reminds me of freshly made horse manure, fills my nose. From what I can tell, the nausea inducing smell appears to be coming from Crew Cut.

When Crew Cut sees me, he shoots me a nasty glare and makes a show of casually unstrapping one of the two massive battle axes he has strapped across his back.

Crew cut hefts the ax, which sports a double sided blade that’s taller than me, across his shoulder, all the while radiating an aura of killing intent strong enough to make a baby cry at a distance of several miles.

After glaring at me for several minutes, Crew Cut turns his attention back to the Guild Adviser.

“C’mon girlie.” Crew Cut says. “Why won’t you grab a bite of dinner with me?”

“As I’ve already told you countless times” The Guild Adviser says. “Because. I. Don’t. Want. To. Also, will you stop calling me girlie, my name is Samantha.”

“Aw, come on.” Crew Cut says. “I even put some of the new cologne I bought just for this occasion.”

Samantha covers her face with her hands, but not before I can see she’s crying with laughter. “Really?” She manages to choke out. “What’s the name of it this time? Essence of Skunk?”

“No.” Crew Cut shouts. “This one is different. It’s called Dragon Dung, and it’s made from 100% natural ingredients. According to the guy I bought it from, anyone who wears it instantly becomes 10 times more masculine.”

“Ten times more masculine. One hundred percent natural.” Samantha sinks behind the counter, laughing her head off.

Finally, Samantha straightens up and addresses Crew Cut, her face serious. “As I’ve already told you multiple times, I’m not interested in going out with you. This is your final warning. If you don’t stop pestering me, I’ll bring down the might of the Guild’s anti-harassment policy upon you. Is that clear?”

Crew Cut nods.

“Good.” Samantha says. “Now, take your expensive cologne outside before you stink up the entire lobby. I have another client to attend to.”

Crew Cut gives me one more glare, then turns and stalks out of the lobby.

Once he disappears, Samantha addresses me, her voice weary.

“I’m sorry you had to witness that. Angus seems to be a predatory cologne salesman magnet. You know the type, right? They’re the ones that tell you that one drop of an exotic cologne will solve all of your relationship issues, then charge you a kidney for a bottle of shit.”

She shakes her head and sighs. “Give me one second. I’ll be right with you.”

Samantha pulls a giant metal fan from behind the counter and snaps it open.

As soon as the fan appears, everyone in the room dives for cover, including the other Guild Advisers.

I make an attempt to follow their example, but before I can react Samantha shouts, “hurricane tornado,” and brings the fan down with all her might.

A gust of wind tears through the lobby, blasting me halfway across the room. It bowls over couches and throws adventurers in the air, before smashing through the doors of the Guild and rushing out into the night, taking the remaining smell of Dragon Dung along with it.

As I lie on the floor tangled up in the remains of a couch, Samantha leans over the counter and addresses me with a brilliant smile.

“Welcome to the Adventurer Guild. What can I help you with today?”