Chapter 3: What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

“Welcome to the Adventurer Guild,” Samantha says, flashing me a brilliant smile. “Is there anything I can help you with today?”

“I’d like to register as an Adventurer,” I say, extracting myself from the mangled remains of the couch I got tangled up in, when I was blown away by Samantha’s Hurricane Tornado.

“Sure thing,” Samantha says. “Let me get things started for you.”

When I finally finish freeing myself from the couch, I limp over to the counter and lean my aching body up against it.

“Here we go,” Samantha says, plopping a six inch stack of paper down on the counter in front of me. “Ready to get started?”

I nod.

“Great,” Samantha says, then she grabs the first sheet of paper from the top of the stack and begins to read.

“Down in the dumps? Don’t know what to do with your life?

“Become an adventurer and learn to live life to the fullest.”

“Whether you’re strong or weak, the Adventurer Guild has a quest for you.

“Good at combat? There’s a quest for that.

“Enjoy searching for hidden objects? There’s a quest for that.

“Want to escort and protect? There’s a quest for that too.

“Having trouble deciding which quest to take? Never fear.

“The Adventurer Guild’s knowledgeable staff will help you find a quest that synergizes with your strengths and weaknesses.

“Short on money? We’ve got you covered.

“The Adventurer Guild’s quests pay 50% more per hour invested than the average job.

“Need a flexible work schedule? Don’t worry.

“The Adventurer Guild doesn’t have requirements for when or how much you work.

“Want to sleep in? Go ahead.

“Want to work at night? That’s fine too.

“Don’t want to work at all. I mean, sure. You won’t earn any money, but you do you.

“Worried about job related injuries? Worry no more.

“The Adventurer Guild offers best in class accident insurance available, on a per quest basis, for a nominal fee.

“Looking for comrades? Look no further.

“The Adventurer Guild is made up of a diverse community of rockstar adventurers and influencers who are always striving to make the world a better place.

“Join the Adventurer Guild today, and unlock your future.”

Samantha stops reading and addresses a blond haired Guild Advisers standing a little ways down the counter.

“Flexible work schedule? Rockstar adventurers? Who the hell approved this?”

Despite the outrage in Samantha’s voice the Guild Adviser doesn’t even blink.

“Um. That would’ve been you, ma’am,” the adviser says.

“No way, really?”

The adviser nods.

“I see.” Samantha set the sheet of paper face down on the counter and grabs the next one from the pile.

I interrupt her before she can continue reading. “Um. Is it possible for me to read through those papers myself? It might be faster.”

“Unfortunately, that won’t be possible.” Samantha says, smiling apologetically. “Even if you are literate, I’m required by law to read this to you out loud. I’m very sorry.”

“I see.” I say, groaning inwardly. “Sorry for interrupting you.”

It makes sense. In this world, most people can’t read.

Those who can are either nobles, clergy, or wealthy merchants. In other words, not the kinds of people that would sign up to become an adventurer.

I was lucky.

The orphanage I grew up in was located in a church, and the orphanage’s director taught all of the orphans how to read. Or at least, she attempted to teach us how to read. Most of the children in the orphanage didn’t bother paying attention to the lessons. The only reason I put any effort into learning, was because I knew how valuable being literate was from my previous life.

“I totally understand,” Samantha says, bringing me back to the present. “I wouldn’t want to listen to someone else reading this stuff to me either. However, that’s the way the law is, so please bear with it.”

Samantha begins to read the second document.

“Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, loss of appetite, inflamed colon, cerebral hemorrhaging, heart arrhythmia, seizures, diarrhea, fractures, projectile vomiting, blood loss, headaches, and death.

“Consult your doctor to see if this medication is right–

She stops reading mid sentence and scans the rest of the document.

“Sorry, wrong document. This is the medical disclaimer for Greater Healing Potions.”

Samantha calls out to the blond haired Guild Adviser.

“Hey Chloe. Do you know where we keep the terms of service?”

“It should be under the counter,” Chloe says.

Chloe saunters over to where Samantha is standing and points at something under the counter.

“It’s right there,” she says.

“Ah. Thank you so much,” Samantha says, ducking under the counter to retrieve the document.

While Samantha retrieves the document, Chloe rests her elbows on the counter and stares at me. Her golden blond hair is tied up in several intricate braids, and her bright green eyes set a striking contrast to the jet black suit and crisp white dress shirt of her uniform.

As the two of us stare at each other, my gaze falls on her ears. It isn’t very pronounced, but Chloe’s ears are slightly pointed at the ends. A sign she has at least a little elf blood running through her veins.

Before I can ask her about it, Samantha pops up from behind the counter.

“I’m sorry for the way,” she says. “I haven’t done this in a while, so I don’t remember where anything is. Do you have questions about anything I’ve read so far?”

Part of me wants to ask her why Greater Healing Potions have so many negative side effects, but I curb my curiosity and shake my head.

“Great,” Samantha says. “Let’s continue.”

“Better make yourself comfortable,” Chloe says, perching herself on the edge of the counter and leaning her back against Samantha’s shoulder. “You’re gonna be here for a while.”

Chloe wasn’t kidding. It took Samantha three whole hours to read through the entire terms of service.

And, she wasn’t reading slow either. She was doing her best impression of the “fine print” voiceover that plays at the end of infomercials.

It was a truly unique experience. Like actually reading MyBook or FaceSpace’s “terms of service”, before clicking agree.

Yeah, I didn’t ever read any of those “terms of service” before I hit agree. Don’t sue me, alright?

Here’s a summary of the of the Adventurer Guild’s terms of service.

1. You’re not allowed to sue the Adventurer Guild. Period.

2. If you commit a crime such as, counterfeiting, robbery, assault, bribery, impersonating a monster, pooping within 200 meters of a water source, murder, or any of the other 6,749 listed offenses, the Adventurer Guild has the right to penalize you and/or terminate your Adventurer license.

3. If the Adventurer Guild issues an emergency request, you are required to take part in it. No questions asked.

And, a whole lot more.

8,648 more items, to be exact. The most important of which were, the rules governing registering as an adventurer, the duties of an adventurer, the Adventurer Guild’s code of conduct, the Adventurer Guild’s ranking and quest assignment systems, the regulations governing the use of the Adventurer Guild’s facilities, quest completion rewards, and the rights (or lack thereof) you are entitled to as an adventurer.

Samantha hands me the final page of the “terms of service” and a fountain pen.

“Please sign here,” She says, pointing to a line at the bottom of the paper.

I sign my name with a flourish and hand the paper back to her.

She inspects my signature for a moment, then flashes me a smile.

“Congratulations,” she says. “You are now an official member of the Adventurer Guild. We’re super excited to have you on board.”

“Don’t forget to issue him a guild card,” Chloe says.

“Ah. Right,” Samantha says. “Thanks for the reminder.”

While Samantha rummages under the counter for something, Chloe stretches her arms over her head and yawns. “I guess, I’d better get back to work,” she says, punching me lightly on the shoulder. “See you around.”

Before I can reply, Samantha plunks a large silver box with a translucent green lid onto the counter in front of me.

“Go ahead and place your palm there,” she says, pointing to the lid of the box.

I follow her directions and place the palm of my right hand on the box.

As soon as my palm touches the lid, the box begins to glow. After a moment, the box emits a sharp click and a thin credit card shaped piece of metal drops onto the counter from a slot in the side of the box.

“You’re all set,” Samantha says, handing me the card. “Make sure you take good care of that card. Replacements cost 25 silver each.”

“Thanks,” I say, carefully storing the card in my leather carry bag.

“No problem,” she says. “But before you go, there’s a couple more things I need to tell you.

“First, when you register as an adventurer, the Adventurer Guild assigns you a Guild Adviser. Usually, your assigned Guild Adviser is the one who registered you in the first place, but you can also request someone else if you want. In other words, if you don’t want to be stuck with me as your Guild Adviser for the rest of your career as an adventurer, you’d better speak up now.”

“That’s fine,” I say. I don’t mind having you as my Guild Adviser.”

“Great,” Samantha says. “I look forward to working with you. From now on, if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to ask.

“Remember, information is an Adventurer’s best friend. In many cases the difference between knowing and not knowing is life and death. Which leads me to the second thing I wanted to discuss with you.”

Samantha’s smile disappears and her expressions becomes serious.

“Listen Sage. Most people know that adventuring is a dangerous profession, but few people realize just how dangerous it is. Yesterday in the capital city alone, 142 adventurer lost their lives and more than 380 were permanently disfigured. However, many of those 142 deaths could have been prevented with a little bit of extra knowledge.

“To solve this problem, the Adventurer Guild offers a free eight week introductory course to all new adventurers who sign up. This course will teach you everything you need to know about becoming an adventurer including, basic combat skills, how to properly prepare and setup a camp, which plants are edible and which ones aren’t, and interpersonal cooperation skills or how to get along with your fellow adventurers. In addition, room and board will be provided for you free of charge for the duration of the course.

“I know that formal learning isn’t the most fun or interesting thing in the world, but I would highly recommend that you attend. And luckily enough, we have a new cohort starting tomorrow which you can join if you’re interested.

“Of course, I understand if you don’t want to participate. However, our research shows that adventurers who take the course are 75% more likely to survive their first year as an adventurer.”

I’ll be 75% more likely to survive for a year if I take an eight week course? Sign me up.

“I’ll do it,” I say.

“Really?” Samantha asks. “You’ll actually take it?”

“I’m so glad,” she says, leaning across the counter and wrapping me up in a hug.

After several moments, Samantha releases me from her grasp. “Sorry about that,” she says. “I’m just so happy. Most new adventurers refuse to take the course and end up dying before the year is up.

“Anyway, the course starts tomorrow morning at 05:45 in training room eight. Make sure you’re on time.

“Ah. Before I forget I need to assign you a room. Can I borrow your Guild card for a second?”

I hand my Guild card to her, and she taps it on a metal plate set into the wall behind the counter. As soon as the card touches the plate, it lights up and the numbers 404 appear on its surface.

“Looks like you’re in room 404. If you forget, you can find the number on the bottom right hand corner of your Guild card. To get to your room, head down the hallway and hang a left, then follow the signs. You won’t miss it.

“Do you have any questions?”

I shake my head.

“Great,” Samantha says. I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow.”