Chapter 5: Wha'sup

“Hey, Sage,” Samantha calls, through the door. “Are you in there?”

I walk over to the door and pull it open. Instantly, my brain stops working.

Standing in front of the door is Samantha, except she’s changed.

Instead of wearing her crisp Guild Adviser uniform, she’s dressed in a breathtaking midnight black halter top dress. Tiny flecks of mithril are inlaid into the fabric of the dress, giving it the appearance of a starry night sky. And, to complete the illusion, a palm sized magic stone, that glows with the soft light of a full moon, is embedded just below the collar of the dress.

Samantha’s hair is styled in an elaborate updo, topped with a hair piece forged from mithril and sparkling with countless diamonds.

According to my keen eye, the hair piece is modeled after the dragon constellation, a constellation named after… you guessed it, a dragon.

Most people probably wouldn’t realize that it’s a dragon. After all, like most constallations it doesn’t actually look like a real dragon.

However, the hairpiece is most definitely the dragon constellation.

How do I know?

Well, it all goes back to back when I still lived at the orphanage.

At the orphanage where I grew up, we didn’t have very many forms of entertainment. Sure, sometimes we’d have fun throwing each other into the latrine pit, and of course there was the time we got caught trying to climb the church’s bell tower on the Goddesses’ birthday, but most of the time, once all of the chores were finished, there wasn’t anything interesting to do.

On those days, the orphanage director would take us up onto the roof of the church at night and tell us stories about the constellations.

Gallant knights. Dancing spoons. Rampaging monsters.
Monstrous bears. I loved every single one of the stories she told.

However, my favorite was the story about the hero and the dragon. A story that went something like this.

Once upon a time, there was an ancient dragon, who had an unnatural obsession with shiny objects.

This dragon couldn’t seem to help himself. If an object had even the tiniest bit of shine, he would stop at nothing to get his hands on it.

Because this dragon had lived so long, it’s home was crammed to the brim with billions of shiny objects. Priceless jewels, mithril swords, broken machines, or pieces of scrap, it didn’t matter whether the objects was valuable, as long as it was shiny the dragon took it for himself.

However, as time passed, the dragon ran into a problem. He ran out of shiny objects to take.

At first, the dragon was content to sit around and sift through all of the shiny objects in his home, but as time passed, he grew restless.

One day, as he was flying around lamenting the fact that he owned all of the shiny objects, the dragon caught a glimpse of the World’s Core, the only shiny object that remained out of his reach.

Long ago, the dragon had seen the World’s Core, but through the years he’d forgotten all about it.

As soon as he saw it, the dragon knew that he had to have it for himself. It didn’t matter that the world he lived on would die without its core. He needed to have it no matter what the cost.

However, there was a problem. The World’s Core was under the protection of the Goddess Aurora herself, and there was no way the dragon could take it from her.

But, even so, the dragon didn’t give up. He plotted and schemed, and eventually hatched a plan to take the core for himself.

The plan was simple. The dragon would create a disturbance on a far off star, then when the Goddess went to investigate he would steal the World’s Core and flee.

At first, everything went as planned. The Goddess went to investigate the disturbance, and the dragon arrived at the place where the World’s Core was held.

The dragon approached the World’s Core, reveling in its beauty. But, right as he was about to pick it up, a voice spoke.

“I’m sorry, but I cannot allow you to take that.”

The dragon searched the room for the voice, before finally spotting its source, a single human standing far below it on the ground.

“Who are you?” the dragon asked.

“I am the hero. Tasked by the Goddess with protecting the World’s Core.”

“I see,” the dragon said. “So, sir hero, do you really think that a puny human like you will be able to stop me?”

“It is not up to what I think. I will stop you, even if it costs me my life.”

“Then die,” the dragon said, opening his mouth and breathing a stream of white hot fire at the hero.

Once he was satisfied the hero had been burned to a crisp, the dragon reached out to pick up the World’s Core. But, before he could, he felt a stab of pain in his left leg.

Roaring in pain, the dragon glanced down at his foot, there he saw the hero’s sword, embedded in his leg.

Even though it was a small cut, relative to his size, it had been thousands of years since the dragon had last felt pain. Fear washed over him, and forgetting all about the World’s Core, the dragon fled into the heavens, taking refuge among the stars and creating the constellation known as the dragon.

Is the story true?

Who can say. However, the dragons do exist, and I’ve seen the constellation with my own eyes, so maybe there is some truth to it.

But, enough remeniscing. Let’s get back to my present predicament.

I’ll be honest. I don’t have a lot of romantic experience.

Sure, in my past life I dated someone in high school, but that was your stereotypical high school romance. I asked her out, we went on a couple of dates, we broke up. We weren’t even together long enough to celebrate our one week anniversary, let alone our one month anniversary.

Facing Samantha’s ethereal beauty, I find myself unsure of what action I should take.

Should I compliment her? Should I treat her like I normally would? Which option is better?

In the end I do neither. Instead, I watch myself in horror as I lean my back against the right side of the doorway, place my right hand in my trouser pocket, run my left hand through my hair, raise my eyebrows, and say, in my best attempt at a deep sultry voice, “wha’sup?”

“Um. Are you alright?” Samantha asks, her voice filled with genuine concern. “You’re not feeling ill, right?”

“Nope. Totally fine,” I say, dropping my hand from my hair and quickly straightening up. “I just had an itch on my scalp and my back and my, um… leg, all at the same time.”

“Oh, good,” Samantha says, relief filling her voice. “I was planning on inviting you to the New Adventurer Bootcamp kickoff party, but if you aren’t feeling good, then you don’t have to come.”

“Don’t worry, I’m totally fine,” I say, jumping up and down a few times, to demonstrate how totally fine I am. “I’d love to go.”

“Great. You haven’t eaten yet, right?”

“No, I was actually just about to go and grab something to eat.”

“Perfect.”

“Ah,” I say, “give me a second to grab my Guild Card, and I’ll be ready to go.”

“Sure, no problem,” Samantha responds. Take your time."

After grabbing my Guild Card and coin pouch from my room, I lock the door and rejoin Samantha in the hall.

“I’m so glad that you decided to sign up for the New Adventurer Bootcamp,” Samantha says.

“I’m glad the Adventurer Guild offers it,” I respond. “I’ve lived in the comfort of an orphanage all my life, so I’ve never experienced surviving in the great outdoors. With my luck, I wouldn’t be surprised if I froze to death during my first quest.”

“We’ll make sure that doesn’t happen,” Samantha says, flashing me a grin. “After all, it would be a shame to lose a promising adventurer such as yourself.”

The Guild’s central clock strikes forty five after.

“We’d better hurry,” Samantha says, picking up her pace. “The show is about to start.”

“The show?”

“That’s right, every evening at 9pm, the Guild’s restaurant hosts a dinner show with live entertainment. It’s good fun.”

“I see… Wait, did you say the Guild’s restaurant?”

According to the Adventurer Guild’s brochure, the capital city’s branch of the Adventurer Guild has two different places to buy food, the canteen and the restaurant.

The canteen is where most of the Adventurers eat. It’s cheap and the food is filling.

In the Adventurer Guild’s brochure, it’s advertised as a “low cost and healthy source of nutrition,” and that’s where I was planning on eating.

The restaurant, on the other hand, is the polar opposite of the cafeteria. In the Guild’s brochure it’s advertised as “luxury dining, with food fit for an Emperor”.

The restaurant’s description mentions the Emperor has eaten there several times in the past and even publicly praised the quality of the food. Which means, the Guild’s restaurant is undoubtedly incredibly expensive.

“Yup,” Samantha says. “That’s where the party’s going to be held.”

“Isn’t the restaurant like super expensive?” I ask.

“Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. The Guild’s paying for everything.”

“What about my clothes, will they be okay? Isn’t there a dress code or something?”

“Don’t worry about it. If anyone makes a fuss, I’ll deal with them. We’ve done this several times in the past, and never had any problems. Just relax and enjoy. The food is good and the show’s a lot of fun.”

When I step into the restaurant, I’m engulfed in a sea of opulence.

Compared to my room, the restaurant is 10, no 100, no 1000 times more luxurious.

The black marble floor sparkles in the light of a thousand magic stone lamps. Silhouettes of mythical monsters, formed from mithril and gold, leap at each other across the ceiling.

Hundreds of circular tables are positioned around the floor, each one covered with a crisp white table cloth. In the center of each table is an extravagant bouquet featuring wildflowers in a multitude of colors.

Around each table sit well dressed men and women, each one wearing clothes that probably cost more than the apartment I lived in during my previous life. They sit with their backs towards us, staring up at a magnificent stage, which is currently shrouded by a heavy black curtain, which takes up the entirety of the front of the room.

Samantha scans the room for a second, then spots someone waving at her from a table near the front.

“Over there,” she says, and taking me by the hand, she pulls me into the sea of people.

As we pass through the crowd, weaving in and out of the tables, I feel all sort of gazes on me. Some of them are curious, some of them are indifferent, but unfortunately, the majority of them are openly hostile.

I follow Samantha, keeping my head down and moving as quietly as I can. After what seems like several hours, but was probably only a few seconds, Samantha comes to a stop next to a table right in front of the stage.

Sitting around the table, are Chloe, and a guy and girl who I don’t recognize.

Like Samantha, Chloe is dressed to the nines in a luxurious purple ball gown. But, to my relief the other two are dressed the same as I am, in well used tunics and trousers.

“Right on time,” Chloe says. “The show’s going to start any minute now.”

“Thanks for reserving us such a good table,” Samantha says, pulling out a chair and taking a seat, then patting the empty seat between herself and Chloe, she motions for me to sit down.

As soon as I take my seat, the magic stone lamps in the room dim to black and the noise in the dining room falls silent. For a moment, everything is still, then the curtains pull back and bright lights illuminate the stage.

Arranged in the center of the stage are four men and one woman.

Two members of the group, the woman and a big round man holding a lute, stand in the center of the stage behind what appears to be a kind of microphone. The other three members are arranged in a semi circle a little ways behind them. One of them sits behind what appears to be a kind of drum set. One of them sits behind an enormous harp that is twice as tall as him. And, the final one stands with a thin wooden flute clasped in both hands.

Unlike the rest of the group, who are dressed in crisp black suits, the lute man, who also appears to be the leader of the group, is dressed in a tattered brown tunic and moth eaten pair of trousers.

When they see what the leader is wearing, whispered conversations fill the room.

“What happened?”

“Why is he wearing that?”

“Is that supposed to be clothing?”

Next to me, Samantha places her head in her hands, and groans.

“Oh, Goddess,” she says. “What has he done.”

Ignoring the whispers, the leader of the group taps on the microphone and begins to speak.

“Good evening,” he says. “Thank you all for joining us here today. The name is No Money, the artist formerly known as Big Money.”

This quip, prompts laughter from the crowd.

“Yes, I lost all my money, that’s why I’m wearing these rags. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you all about it in a second, but before that let me introduce the other members of our merry band.

“Next to me, on the magic stone amplifier, we have Shattered Diamond.”

The woman, Shattered Diamond, waves politely at the crowd, eliciting wild applause.

“Behind me, on the harp, is Fools Gold.”

The harpist, Fools Gold, a well built man with bulging muscles, plays a quick riff on his harp, and several female members of the crowd scream.

“On the drums, we have Broken Mirror.”

Broken Mirror, vigorously hits the drums several times to rowdy applause.

“And, last but not least, we have Bruce, aka the only member of the band who can’t seem to come up with a cool name for himself, on the flute.”

Bruce hangs his head, and the crowd laughs.

“The five of us have gone by many names in the past. Secured Debt. Unsecured Debt. Samantha’s Loyal Angels of Justice.”

Next to me, Samantha stands up and glares daggers at No Money, all while emitting a murderous aura.

“Oops,” No Money says. “I wasn’t supposed to say that. Sorry, Samantha. Didn’t see you sitting there. I wouldn’t have said that if I’d knew you were coming to tonights show.”

Samantha’s face darkens, and No Money blanches slightly.

“Kidding,” he says. “I’m kidding. We never used that name. At least officially. I swear.”

“Remember,” Samantha calls up to him. “I was the one that got you hired.”

The unsaid, “which means I can also get you fired,” part of the statement hangs heavily over the room. Several people laugh nervously.

“Yes, and we are forever grateful to your generosity,” No Money says, bowing his head. “I’m very sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“Make sure it doesn’t,” Samantha says, taking her seat.

“Phew,” No Money says, wiping his brow. “For a moment there, my life flashed before my eyes.”

The crowd laughs.

“Anyway, as I was saying, in the past we’ve gone by many names. However, today we’ve reinvented ourselves. Today, we present to your our final form, our ultimate manifestation. Ladies and gentlemen, here to entertain you tonight, we are Insecure Debt.”

Samantha groans. The audience cheers. And the five members of Insecure Debt wave at the crowd.

When the applause dies down, No Money continues to speak.

“Today, we have a very special treat for you. To commemorate our name change, and the fact that I lost all my money, I’ve written an all new song.

“So, before you begin the first course of the wonderful dinner that awaits you tonight, sit back and listen to Gamble Responsibly, the sad tale of how I became No Money, the artist formerly known as Big Money.”

No Money finishes speaking, Broken Mirror counts them in, and the band launches into slow ballad accompanied by wild screams of approval from the audience.

The song begins with a long introduction, the mournful sound of the lute and harp mix together accompanied by a light rhythm from the drums, then after a short pause, No Money begins to sing.

My love, she left me yesterday.
When all our debts, I could not pay.
She took our child across the sea.
Never to be seen again.

Before she left she screamed at me.
Into my crotch she drove her knee.
Then leaving me lying in a ditch.
She fled for greener fields.

On all the days I could not work.
My love, she toiled as a clerk.
She earned the coin to pay our bills.
Never did she complain.

The other day, I met a man.
Who bet me everything I had.
That he could beat me in a race.
Across that yonder field.

The song transitions into the chorus, and Shattered Diamond joins in on background vocals. At the same time, the sound of the band picks up, bathing the audience in melancholy.

Oh, my love, I’m wracked with guilt.
I’ve gambled everything away.
All the work we did together.
I lost it betting, yesterday.

Now all ye merry ‘venturers.
Take pity on this sorrowful man.
Take all your gold and silver coin.
And place it in this old tin can.

When the chorus finishes, the drums quiet down. But, Shattered Diamond continues to sing, echoing the end of each line and adding a sorrowful harmoney to the music.

Yesterday, dawned bright and warm.
My body was in perfect form.
I walked down to the yonder field.
Ready for the race.

I met the man down at the course.
To bad for me, he brought a horse.
He galloped ‘cross that yonder field.
And beat me easily.

Bruce launches into a flute solo, and the crowd goes crazy, then Insecure Debt sings the chorus one more time and the song finishes.

Oh, my love, I’m wracked with guilt.
I’ve gambled everything away.
All the work we did together.
I lost it betting, yesterday.

Now all ye merry ‘venturers.
Take pity on this sorrowful man.
Take all your gold and silver coin.
And place it in this old tin can.

When the song ends, the restaurant shakes with applause.

Samantha sits back in her chair and sighs.

“Even though he’s human garbage, you have to admit, he really can sing,” she says, to no one in particular. “But, I’m glad his wife finally left him. She definitely deserves better.”

Waiters appear from the side of the room and begin distributing hor d’ouevres to each table, which appear to be some sort of small pastry filled with meat.

As people begin to eat and the applause dies down, No Money announces the name of the band’s next song “Loan Shark Bonanza”.

At the same time, Samantha turns and addresses everyone at our table.

“Now,” she says. “Why don’t we take a moment to go around the table and introduce ourselves.”