Chapter 6: Introductions. Yay!

“Since I’m the one who suggested we do introductions, I’ll go first,” Samantha says. “As you already know, my name is Samantha and I’m an Adviser here at the Adventurer Guild. During my free time, I enjoy training and taking quests.”

“In other words, she’s addicted to work,” Chloe says.

Samantha ignores Chloe’s comment and continues her introduction.

“Despite my looks,” Samantha says. “I’m pretty good with the sword.”

“That’s an understatement,” Chloe says.

“And, I can also handle a bow and arrow.”

“She’s actually the best archer in the Empire.”

“In addition–”

“Samantha is a fighting genius, who can turn anything she touches into a weapon,” Chloe says. “Basically, she’s a combat obsessed battle junkie, who can’t do anything except fight.”

“Can you stop,” Samantha says, glaring at Chloe.

“Stop what?” Chloe asks, feigning innocence.

“Stop interrupting my introduction.”

“I’m saving the recruits from having to sit through one of your terrible introductions.”

“Ah, come one. My introductions aren’t that bad, are they?”

“Oh, yeah? The last time you gave an introduction you spent an hour and a half listing off every single one of your favorite weapons.”

“I mean, I have a lot of favorite weapons.”

“Sure, and that’s wonderful. But come on, a discarded toilet seat, a broken bar stool, an empty beer keg? Where will it end? The fork you used to eat breakfast, the chicken bone from yesterday’s dinner?”

“Now that you mention it,” Samantha says, staring off into the distance, “that fork was quite well made.”

Chloe cradles her head in her hands.

“My point is,” Chloe says, “instead of listing off every single one of your favorite weapons, pick a couple of them and be done with it. You’ll save us from a world of pain and suffering if you do.”

Suddenly, a series of ear splitting crashes reverberate throughout the hall. I tear myself away from Samantha and Chloe’s glaring match and glance in the direction of the sound.

Up on the stage, No Money is holding an old tin can up next to the mic, and banging on it with a rusty metal spoon.

“Sorry to interrupt your evening,” No Money says, “but I have an announcement to make. Like I said earlier, I’m flat broke, so if any of you folks have spare change rattling around in your coin purses, have a heart and put it in this old tin can.

“When I arrived here this evening, security thought I was a homeless bum and tried to throw me out. I mean, I am a homeless bum, but that’s not the point. Thankfully, Shattered Diamond here smoothed everything over for me, and here I am. However, next time I might not be so lucky, which is why I’m asking you kind ladies and gentlemen to chip in and help me buy a new tuxedo.

No Money plunks the can down on the edge of the stage and returns to his mic.

“Think of it as a way to help support the arts. By buying me a new tuxedo, you’ll get to listen to more songs like the next one on our set list, I Dropped My Coin Purse in the Latrine, also known as, Dirty Money.”

The next person to introduce himself is the only other guy, besides me, who is seated at the table.

“My name is Wolf,” the guys says. “I’m 22 years old, and up until a few days ago, I was a soldier in the Empire’s army. I’m not very good at fighting, but I’m a pretty good cook, so if you’re ever in need of a hot meal let me know. I’m looking forward to working with all of you.”

So, Wolf was a soldier in the Empire’s army. I wonder why he quit.

Sure, being a soldier is dangerous. However, unlike being an Adventurer, the pay is stable, and housing and food are provided free of charge. Sure, you might still have to worry about dying on a daily basis, but at least you don’t have to worry about dying and paying rent, at the same time.

Wolf runs his hand through his short cropped brown hair and smiles apologetically.

“I’m sorry,” he says. “I can’t think of anything else to say.”

“Short and to the point, unlike a certain someone cough Samantha cough,” Chloe says, giving Wolf a smile. “Alright, I’ll go next.

“My name is Chloe, and like Samantha I’m an Adviser here at the Adventurer Guild. However, unlike Samantha, I’m not good at martial arts. Instead, I’m extremely good at magic.

“I am the seven time champion of the Empire’s Annual Combat Tournament’s magic division. Which means, I’m currently the strongest magic user in the Empire.”

The Empire’s Annual Combat Tournament is a combat tournament that… well, takes place every year in the Empire.

Within the competition, there are two separate divisions, martial arts and magic. The difference between the two divisions is simple. The magic division allows magic, and the martial arts division doesn’t.

The tournament is very popular throughout the Empire. However, because having magic is a prerequisite to enter the magic division, it is much less popular than the martial arts division.

This is illustrated by the fact that I can list all of the martial arts division’s champions from the last 100 years by heart, yet I know absolutely nothing about the magic division’s champions.

“One lesser known fact about me,” Chloe says, “is–”

“She’s a lot older than she looks,” Samantha says, interrupting her. “Elves age much slower than humans, so while she might look like she’s no older than us, she’s actually–”

“Twenty one,” Chloe says, reaching across me and placing her hand over Samantha’s mouth.

Samantha removes Chloe’s hand from her mouth.

“You’ve been twenty one for the last–”

“Five days,” Chloe says, calmly snapping her fingers. “I just turned twenty one five days ago.”

As soon as Chloe snaps her fingers, Samantha’s eyes go wide, and she starts gasping for air.

“Anyway,” Chloe says. “During this Bootcamp, I’ll be your magic instructor. I look forward to working with all of you.”

“Um, is she going to be okay?” Wolf asks, gesturing towards Samantha who’s slowly starting to turn purple.

“She’ll be fine,” Chloe says. “She’s a lot tougher than she looks.”

Chloe snaps her fingers and Samantha sucks in several deep gulps of air.

“Oh, Goddess,” Samantha says, once she’s recovered her breath. “I thought I was actually going to die.”

“You wouldn’t have died,” Chloe says. “After all you’re–”

“A beautiful young woman,” Samantha says, “unlike you who’s–”

Chloe prepares to snap her fingers again.

“–also a beautiful young woman.”

“Good answer,” Chloe says, her smile not quite reaching her eyes. “Good answer.”

“Ah,” Samantha says, changing the subject. “I almost forgot to mention, that I’ll be your combat instructor for this Bootcamp. I look forward to working with all of you.”

“You, the combat instructor?” a woman’s voice says. “Why didn’t I hear about this.”

I turn around in my chair to see who the speaker is, and find myself face to face with a woman who looks a lot like Samantha.

Ok, she’s not Samantha’s identical twin. Her face is rounder, and she’s several inches shorter. Her hair piece is the bear constellation rather than the dragon. And, instead of wearing a halter top dress, she’s wearing a strapless black ball gown with a long voluminous skirt.

But despite all the differences, when you put everything together, the woman’s appearance absolutely screams, “wannabe” Samantha.

“Denise,” Samantha says, a big smile plastered across her face. “What are you doing here?”

“That’s what I should be asking you,” Denise says. “I’m supposed to be in charge of the New Adventurer Bootcamp. Yet, here you are holding a welcoming party without me.”

Denise stalks around the table and takes a seat across from Samantha.

“So, let’s here it,” she says, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. “What’s your excuse, this time.”

“I didn’t inform you because you aren’t needed,” Samantha says. “I’ll be taking care of this Bootcamp on my own.”

“No,” Denise says. “It’s my job. You can’t just take it from me.”

Samantha places her elbows on the table and cups chin in her hands.

“If it’s the money you’re worried about, I’ve already taken care of it. You’ll still be paid as if you’d taken the course, and on top of that you won’t have to work. Weren’t you the one that said, “I’m sick and tired of working with these talentless adventurers.” Well, now you don’t have to deal with them. Plus, you get an eight week paid vacation, what more could you want.”

“Yes, I’ll admit I did say that,” Denise says, “but that was a long time ago. I’m different now.

“I’m going to take the Bootcamp and you can’t stop me. After all, it’s my job.”

“Actually,” Samantha says, “I can stop you. Or, more specifically, she can.”

Samantha reaches under her seat and pulls out a midnight black clutch purse. She rifles through it for a moment and pulls out a single sheet of paper, which she carefully unfolds and pushes across the table towards Denise.

When Denise sees the document, she visibly deflates.

“Since when have you been on speaking terms with her,” she asks, her voice small.

“We’ve known each other for a while,” Samantha says, her voice softening. “Don’t worry, I’m not looking to steal your teaching position. I just need to be in charge of this particular cohort.”

“I guess there’s nothing I can do,” Denise says. She pauses for a moment to think, then tentatively asks Samantha a question. “Do you mind if I sit in and watch?”

“If you want to, you can,” Samantha says. “But, if you’re going to hang around I’m going to ask you to do some work.”

“Ah, of course,” Denise says, pushing her chair back from the table and standing up. “Thank you so much, I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

Once Denise leaves, Samantha turns to me.

“Alright Sage,” she says, “why don’t you go next.”

“Who me?” I ask, hoping against hope that she means someone else.

“Yeah, I mean you’re the only one named Sage at this table.”

“Ok,” I say. “I guess I’ll go next.”

What do people say during an introduction?

Name? Age? Date of birth? Height? Weight? Eye color?

No, that’s a drivers license.

Name? Age? Hobbies? Marital status?

No, that’s a dating profile.

Wait, if you’re married should you be using a dating service in the first place? Wait, that’s beside the point.

Memories of introductions past fill my mind, bringing a smile to my face.

I recall my first grade introduction. I was standing at my desk, reciting my name, when all of a sudden the river flowed from me, all over the classroom floor. In other words, I peed my pants.

Wait, that’s not a happy memory. On to the next one.

I recall my fifth grade introduction. I was standing at my desk, reciting my name, when I fell asleep.

Yeah, I fell asleep in the middle of my introduction.

In my defense, I was so excited for the first day of school that I wasn’t able to sleep a wink the night before. But, no matter what I said, all the kids called me sleepy head and bullied me for the rest of the year.

Next.

I recall my freshman introduction. I was standing at my desk, reciting my name… Actually, scratch that, I’d already finished reciting my name.

I was standing at my desk, after reciting my name, when I remembered that my home room teacher, Mr. Jefferson, wanted everyone to tell the class something that people didn’t know about them. So, in my infinite wisdom, I said the first thing that came to mind. That’s right, I told everyone that I had a crush on the cutest girl in the class.

I remember that scene vividly.

I stood there, my heart pounding as everyone looked between the girl and me.

The girl stood up from her chair, and turned to face me. Our eyes met. My heart thundered in my chest.

For several seconds I believed that I’d finally found true love, then the girl smiled and said, “yeah, there’s no chance in hell that I’d go out with a disgusting creep like you.”

With those happy memories filling my heart, I start my introduction.

“Um. Hi. My name is Sage, and as you probably already know I’m a Shoelace Master, which means I can tie shoelaces incredibly fast. Uh, huh. Uh, huh. Yeah.”

When I finish, I want to sink into the floor. Why did I tell them I was a Shoelace Master. I mean, they probably already knew I was the Shoelace Master, but did I really need to volunteer that information?

Also, “Uh, huh. Uh, huh. Yeah”? What kind of ending is that? I’m not Jay-Z in Umbrella. What was I thinking.

The sound of breaking glass pulls me back from the brink of despair.

The girl, seated next to Wolf, the only one who hasn’t introduced herself yet, stares down at something on the floor.

“Oh, no,” she says. “I’m so sorry. I’ll clean it up right away.”

The girl jumps to her feet, knocking her chair onto the ground behind her, and drops to the ground to begin cleaning up the broken glass from the floor.

Unfortunately, for some reason the edge of the table cloth is caught in her belt, so as she goes to clean up her mess, she takes the table cloth, dishes, silverware, and hor d’ouevres, along with her.

A thunderous cacophony of sound ensues, as dishes shatter against the marble floor.

The hall goes silent, and everyone cranes their necks to see what’s going on. To their credit, Insecure Debt, who are in the middle of performing, I Would Take On Debt For You, continue to play, despite the chaos going in front of them.

For a moment, the girl stares in shock at the destruction around her, then she flies into motion, frantically trying to gather up the broken shards of glass with her bare hands.

“I’m so sorry,” the girl says, her hands covered in blood. “It won’t happen again. I’ll pay for all of the damages. Just give me a little bit of time.”

Carefully avoiding the broken glass, Chloe squats down next to the girl. She grasps the girl’s hands in hers and whispers something under her breath.

Light fills the air, and slowly the cuts on the girl’s hands disappear. “Take a seat,” Chloe says, picking up the girl’s chair.

When the girl is seated, she begins to shake violently. Chloe wipes the girl’s bloody hands clean with her napkin, and pulls the girl into a tight hug.

Gradually, the restaurant returns to normal and the rubberneckers turn away.

Several members of the restaurant’s staff arrive to clean up the mess and replace our broken dishes with fresh new ones.

Through it all, Chloe continues to comfort the girl, only letting go when the girl finally stops shaking.

“Now,” Chloe says, her voice gentle. “Why don’t you introduce yourself to everyone.”

The girl nods her head, and after several false starts, begins to speak.

“My n-name is Bridget. As you can see, I’m v-very clumsy. I used to work as a maid at the Heart Family’s mansion, but several days ago I was fired for breaking a very expensive vase. Because of the Heart Family’s influence, I haven’t been able to find any work, which is why I decided to become an Adventurer.”

“Is there anything else you’d like to add to your introduction?” Chloe asks, trying to lighten the dark mood left behind by Bridget’s story.

“Anything else?” Bridget asks, tilting her head to the side.

After several seconds, her face lights up. “Oh, I know,” she says. I have a drinking problem.”

“A drinking problem?” Samantha asks. “Would you like me to order you something non alcoholic?”

“Oh. N-no. I don’t have that kind of drinking problem. It’s more like, whenever I try to drink anything I end up spilling it all over myself.”

“I see,” Samantha says.

Up on stage, No Money announces the band’s next song, Ninety Nine Bags of Gold Coins on the Wall.

“Well,” Samantha says. “Make sure you enjoy yourselves tonight, because for the next eight weeks I’m going to work you three to the bone.”