Chapter 23: The Shoelace Master

I’m broke. Totally and completely, broke.

Yes, I had an amazing and wonderful breakthrough, but that doesn’t change the fact that between Crew Cut’s ransacking of my hotel room and buying the mithril aglets, I don’t have any money left.

It’s been almost a week since my breakthrough, and it’s my one and only day off, but instead of spending it relaxing in my room, I’m going on a quest.

Typical adventurer. Our lifestyle sucks.

Earlier, I asked Bridget if she wanted to come too, but she said she was going to train with Samantha, so it looks like I’ll be taking this quest by myself.

What kind of quest am I going to take? Preferably, something that doesn’t involve fighting.

Of course, the Guild has quests like goblin extermination, or Poison Fang removal, but after my run in with the Blade Claw I’ve been weary about anything involving monsters.

Many Adventurers want the prestige that comes from fighting monsters. They want to show how superior they are based on the strength of the monsters they kill.

Me? I’m the total opposite.

I don’t have a death wish, thank you very much.

Today, I want to take a gathering quest. Specifically, I want to gather Snowbound.

Since Snowbound is always in high demand, it’s a relatively safe way to earn a large amount of money.

This morning, when I packed my bag, I made sure to triple check I had all of the things I needed for the quest.

Gloves? Check. Knife? Check. Canteen? Check. Guild card, Shoelaces, Rope with aglets attached? Check. Check. Check.

I’m all set and ready to go. Now, all that’s left is to get the quest.

Normally, the Adventurer Guild discourages adventurers from taking solo quests.

Why? Because solo quests have a higher fatality rate.

It’s dangerous to be out in the wilderness without a buddy. Outside of the secured area around the Guild, monster attacks are common and bandits abound.

In this world there are no satellite phones or GPS trackers, so if you get injured and are unable to move, you’re pretty much dead.

Normally I wouldn’t take a solo quest, but this time I have no choice. Bridget is busy with training and Wolf is visiting his girlfriend, so those two are out, and I’ve been too traumatized by Crew Cut to take my chances with random strangers.

That’s right, I blame Crew Cut for my fear of Adventurers.

I’m sure that most adventurers are friendly and loving people, but I worry that once I join a party, they’ll turn on me. It’s probably irrational, but you never know. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

I enter the Guild’s lobby and head straight over to the quest board. Most of the adventurers have already left for the morning, so it’s relatively empty compared to peak times.

There are a large number of empty spaces on the board where quests were removed, and a guild adviser named Tara is replacing them with new ones.

“Morning,” Tara says, waving at me. “Are you taking a quest today?”

I nod.

“Great,” Tara says, “what kind of quest are you looking for?”

“Do you have any Snowbound quests?”

“Of course. Let me see…”

Tara leafs through the pile of quests she is holding and pulls one out, “Here you go.”

“Thanks.”

“Where’s Bridget?”

“She’s busy training with Samantha, I’m going solo today.”

“You didn’t want to join them?”

“No, I need to make some money. I’m totally broke.”

“Okay. But, make sure you’re careful. If you get hurt, Samantha will kill me for not stopping you.”

After rechecking my gear for the fourth time, I step out into the fresh mountain air. The day is warm, and the sky is clear. It’s a perfect day for a quest.

The season is slowly shifting from spring to summer, and the snow near the peak of the mountain is beginning to melt. This particular mountain will never fully lose its mantle of snow, but as summer approaches, the snowline will retreat towards the summit.

I stop at the trailhead and review my map. The trail I’m taking is the same one Bridget and I used on our previous quest.

I’m probably being overly cautious, but this trailhead serves as the start to a large number of trails, several of which lead deep into the Last Defense. These trails serve as a link between the Capital City and the Garrisons that sit on the border between the Empire and the Lost Continent. They are reserved for high ranking adventurers, which means I absolutely do not want to accidentally end up on one of them.

I’m about to start up the trail when the legendary words every parent speaks before going on a road trip echoes through my mind.

Do you need to go to the bathroom? Do you need to go to the bathroom? Do you need to go to the bathroom?

Even though I made sure to use the bathroom in my room before I left, those words make me doubt myself. So I decide to take this opportunity to empty my bladder one last time. It’s better to be safe than sorry.

Luckily, the Adventurer Guild installed a set of outhouses near the trailhead for this exact purpose. They’re pit toilets, a far cry from the posh bathroom in my room, but they perform their intended function, so I can’t complain.

Unfortunately, like all good pit toilets, the smell is overwhelming. On a scale from one to Crew Cut’s cologne, it’s probably a seven.

The Guild’s dump, which is located a short distance from the latrines, adds to the smell. Usually, the smell is muted, but today, possibly due to the warm weather, the smell is enough to make me want to puke.

I finish my business and step outside, breathing in the fresh mountain air. After taking a moment to cleanse my lungs, I search around for something to wipe my hands on.

Unfortunately, in this world there is no simple way to wash your hands while on the move. It’s not worth using precious drinking water, because as soon as you start moving again your hands will inevitably get dirty.

I never thought I’d miss wet wipes and portable hand wash, but right now, I sure do.

Of course, I’m not an animal. I’ll wash my hands before I eat. However, until then, I’ll have to deal with my hands feeling unclean.

If only I could use magic, then I’d be able to wash my hands whenever I wanted. But alas I can’t, so it’s no use thinking about it.

Maybe if I join a party with a Mage? No. Unless the Mage is a clean freak, they probably wouldn’t want to use their limited supply of magic for hand washing.

Oh well. Such is life.

While I’m reminiscing about wet wipes, I hear several sets of footsteps approaching me. I turn to see who it is, and come face to face with a certain group of adventurers.

No, not Adventurers. Ex-Adventurers. That’s right, the group approaching me is Crew Cut and his gang.

“Well, well, well,” Crew Cut says, his face lighting up, “what do we have here?”

Ugh. Curse my luck. Of all the people I could run into, why did it have to be Crew Cut?

No, wait. Were they waiting for me here? There’s no way, right?

“Grab him,” Crew Cut says, motioning his thugs forward.

I make a run for it, but the thugs are faster. One of them grabs my arm, and the rest of them quickly surround me.

I struggle against their grip, flailing and kicking. Apparently, I’ve gotten a little stronger, because one of my kicks catches a thug in the gut and knocks him on his butt.

“Hold him down,” Crew Cut shouts, and his thugs move to restrain my arms and legs. “Move.”

Crew Cut and his thugs start dragging me behind the latrines and up a short trail. From what I remember, this particular trail leads to the dump.

“Help,” I shout. “Help.”

“Shut him up,” Crew Cut says, and one of his thugs comes up behind me and covers my mouth with his hand.

I open my mouth and bite down on the thug’s fingers, then I slam the back of my head into his face. The thug lets out a sharp grunt and lets go, letting out a stream of expletives.

“What’s going on?” Crew Cut says, hearing the commotion.

“He bit me,” the thug says, his voice a nasal whine. It sounds like he’s holding his nose, maybe it’s even broken.

“Gag him, and tie him up while you’re at it.”

“Yes, sir,” the thugs shout.

“Here,” Crew Cut says, pulling my rope out of my bag. “Use this.”

The thugs throw me to the ground, and roll me onto my stomach. One of them stomps down on my lower back, making me gasp in pain.

They grab my arms and legs, pull them behind my back, and tie them together with my rope, leaving me unable to move.

I’ll be honest. Having your arms and legs bound together behind your back is not fun. Maybe, it would be fine if you’re flexible, but I’m definitely not one of those people.

One of the thugs takes a disgusting smelling piece of cloth and stuff it in my mouth. Then he ties another piece of cloth around my head so I can’t spit it out.

Once I’m trussed up like a chicken, Crew Cut and his gang lift me up and resume carrying me up the trail. I try to shout, but the gag limits the amount of sound I can make, so I eventually give up and allow myself to be carried in silence.

We arrive at the dump, and the thugs drop me unceremoniously onto the ground.

The dump consists of half a dozen large rectangular pits with stone walls behind them and on either side leaving their one side open. Half of the pits are filled with garbage, and the other half are empty.

These pits are used to burn trash, which is easier than carting it to a landfill. Once all six of the pits are filled, a Mage with fire magic torches all of them and the ashes are carted away.

“I finally caught you,” Crew Cut says. “I was beginning to wonder if you’d ever leave the Guild. It’s a pity that your friend wasn’t with you, but we’ll just have to play with her some other day.”

Crew Cut gives me a hard kick to the face, and I feel several of my teeth shatter.

“All of the pain. All of the humiliation. You don’t understand what I’ve been through because of you.

“You destroyed my dreams. If you hadn’t shown up, I would have been able to achieve everything.”

Crew Cut stomps down on my head, and grinds my face into the dirt.

“Fame, fortune, Samantha. I would have had all of them. I would have been able to prove them wrong. All of the people who doubted me.

“But, you and your. Stupid. Useless. Title.”

Crew Cut gives my face a sharp kick to emphasize each of his words.

“You just had to come along and steal everything away.”

The pain that accompanies each kick slowly blends together. I close my eyes and let myself go limp, waiting for Crew Cut to lose interest.

“You even got me expelled from the Guild and took away my one and only source of income. Now, I’m forced to camp out in the woods and extort money from other adventurers.

“I was a ‘C’ Rank Adventurer, but now I’m no better than a bandit, and it’s all thanks to you. It’s. All. Your. Fault.

“But, now I can have it all. With you out of the picture, Samantha will see me for who I truly am.

“Goodbye Shoelace Master. It was nice knowing you.”

Crew Cut uses his foot to push me into the pit, then he uses his weight to press me into the garbage. Once I’m slightly submerged, he begins kicking garbage on top of me.

I see. He’s going to bury me in the garbage and leave me to die.

If I can’t figure out a way to escape, I’ll starve to death. And if by some miracle that doesn’t happen, I’ll be incinerated the next time garbage burning day comes along. It’s a perfect plan if I do say so myself. A great way to dispose of a body.

“Boss,” one of the thugs says, there’s something on your shoe.

“What is it?” Crew Cut asks.

“Garbage.”

“I can see that,” Crew Cut shouts. “Pull it off.”

“Have him do it,” the thug says. “Make him pull it off with his tongue.”

“Good idea,” Crew Cut says, ungag him.

One of the thugs leans down and pulls off the gag, then pulls me halfway out of the garbage, and places me roughly on my stomach in front of Crew Cut’s shoe. On it is what looks like a rotten piece of meat. It’s probably at least a week old based on the amount of mold, and doesn’t look very appetizing.

“Get to it,” Crew Cut says. “And, give my shoes a clean while you’re at it.”

“Oh, that’s a good idea,” one of the thugs says. “Do mine too.”

Soon, all of the thugs are standing in a semicircle in front of me, their shoes at the ready. “Get to it,” one of the thugs shouts, prodding me in the mouth with his boot.

Curse this world and everyone in it. Curse the Goddess who gave me this useful title.

Why did I have to be the Shoelace Master?

Why? Why? Why?

No, wait. I’m the Shoelace Master. Isn’t this the one in a million situation where my title is actually useful?

Maybe there is a Goddess. It’s like all of this was set up for me.

“Alright,” I say, the lower half of my body still covered in trash. “I’ll clean it, but you’ll have to come a little closer.”

Slowly. Carefully. Please don’t let them notice.

Crew Cut takes a step forward, moving his feet less than a centimeter in front of my face.

Perfect. Now, just a little more.

I slowly reach out my tongue, towards the piece of rotting meat. Bile rises in my throat, but I force it back down.

Now.

I leap out of the pit, spraying trash everywhere. Crew Cut and his thugs stumble back in surprise, and I press my advantage.

I throw a handful of trash into Crew Cut’s face, while at the same time, swiping my other hand across their shoes.

I stick my tongue out at them and leap over the garbage pit and onto the wall behind it, then ignoring the pain, I sprint off into the woods.

“After him,” Crew Cut shouts. However, instead of the sound of running feet, his words are followed by the sweet sound of several people splatting face first into the garbage pit.